Posts

Hysteroscopy

  It was a treat to be a burden, a problem for other people to solve, rather than always being the one to do the solving, although doubtless I’d soon grow tired of it. How will we get mother to the hospital? Who will make the dinner now, who can look after her while I get to rehearsal, and then me in the middle, a great big useless lump, smiling benignly, waiting for decisions to be made, wanting no more than to be warm, get my shoes off, get the telly on. Perhaps I shall lean in to this newly enfeebled state. I might unearth a latent love of custard creams and afternoon game shows. Just put a blanket over me, darling, and let me dribble gently to the sound of canned laughter, advertisements for funeral plans. Yes, I’m quite happy, thank you. Leave me be now. Legs up in stirrups, five other women in the room, bustling about my gash, centre stage as always. A kind nurse held my hand and whispered gentle nonsense at me. She asked what I did: I said I was a writer. Will you write abou...

Tests

 Told the surgery I needed blood tests and an ultrasound and they booked me in for a clinical review with a GP a week hence. When he rang I was in a noisy pub watching football. “Looks like you need a blood test and an ultrasound!” he bellowed at me, helpfully, while I hovered outside by an overflowing ashtray, away from the cheers and groans. “We’ll get you a blood test first, then if it shows anything nasty you’ll be fast-tracked for a scan!”In fact I got appointments for both the week after, probably because I sound like a sharp-elbowed middle class wanker who’ll cause trouble otherwise. Blood test today, with a kind beautiful nurse. I warned her I was squeamish - oddly, caning people until they bleed makes me happy rather than faint, I dread to think why - and she distracted me with tales of her son, who’s about to have his tonsils out. Is he nervous? I asked. No, he’s super excited, she said, can’t wait for the pain and nuisance to stop. Wow, life lessons from a 7 year old, wa...

Brian the Obloid Fibroid

 Disclaimer: this will be a journey into self-pity - disgusting, sweary and furious. I've barely endured a medical problem before and I’m obsessed with this one. I can’t keep bothering friends and twitter followers with every loathsome detail and crippling fear, so I shall record them here, because writing is how I make sense of the world, and also if I can get some copy out of this horror, that will feel like partial recompense.  A couple of years ago I started struggling to pee. It was worst in the mornings and when my period was due. It wasn’t like cystitis: there was no stinging. It felt like there was something physically blocking the pee from emerging. If I walked for ten minutes or so, things started to ease up and I could pee like a normal girl. Same thing happened if I’d been crunched up on the sofa or in the car. Gradually it got worse. I started to sweat one day I might not be able to fix it with walking and I'd blow up in a giant pissy puddle, which would make for ...